Do you ever get a case of the “Should Be’s?”
- I should be doing the dishes.
- I should be mowing the lawn.
- I should be _____________ (list any other mind numbing household chore you detest doing).
I hate the “Should Be’s.” They take all the fun out of life. Instead of allowing you to enjoy working on a hobby while the kids are napping, their friend “Guilt” builds and builds until it becomes so crushing you’d rather complete the pressing task, just so you don’t have to think about it anymore.
It seems to me when you do fall prey to the “Should Be’s” they don’t just end there. Instead of finishing one chore, and getting back to enjoying yourself, you find that after you wash the dishes, now would be a good time to sweep and mop the kitchen floor, after all the kids are in bed and won’t be around to mess it up and complain about wet socks.
Even after that, the “Should Be’s” snowball and an entire nap time goes by before you get another chance to sit down with that hobby you enjoy, the book you were reading, or the couple of minutes you were going to spend on Facebook to catch up with old friends.
Two years ago, I was the Conference Director for a local area writing conference. I was able to listen to each author’s workshop and, of course, I learned a lot about writing, but surprisingly I also learned a lot about life.
Barbara Snow’s workshop discussed motivation, inspiration and creativity. She made an amazing point: She said there was a time in her life where she was trying to be a stay-at-home supermom, making sure the house was spotless every day. Well, one day out of the blue it hit her that three days after she died, her husband and three sons would make it apparent that she hadn’t died of housework.
Barbara went on to say that you can always find opportunities to write/(insert your hobby here). So the kids are in bed, the sink is full of dirty dishes, and you have a blank computer screen staring back at you.
What do you head towards? The dirty dishes. She stated, “There will always be dirty dishes. Life is full of dirty dishes.
Think of this instead: wouldn’t it be wonderful to show your children how fulfilled you can be by pursuing and achieving your dream? What a great gift for them to see their mother working hard at something she loves and being successful at it.”
A light bulb went off…
What a incredible concept! It really drove the point home that I shouldn’t worry so much about the state of the house. Housecleaning does not make me happy. Reading and writing do. My kids will do well to remember growing up with a mom who happily pursued her dreams, rather than one who grumbled about the dirt building up on the baseboards.
So I’m saying good-bye to the “Should Be’s.” I’ve got big, fun plans and there’s no room for them or their friend “Guilt” anymore.
Are there “Should Be’s” in your life that are sucking away your dreams? Join me in saying Bon Voyage and leave a quick comment about what dreams you would pursue if “Should Be’s” and “Guilt” weren’t weighing you down.
I think every woman and mom struggles with the Should Be’s. It always feels like our responsibility to make sure everything is spic and span and perfect. What about what we want to do with our lives though. I agree that while things should keep a semblance of order, absolute perfection and those should be’s can wait a while.
Yes, I fully agree with you. In fact, it reminds me of what Renee Syler said at the Disney Social Media Moms Conference, “Good enough is good enough” and that it’s more important to be happy, than to be perfect. What great lessons to teach our children!
Aaahhh. The should-be’s in life. Brings out the guilt every time I take a break from work and chores. *sigh
Wow, that was a light bulb moment for me reading this. Most nights I never sit down after arriving home from work because there is ALWAYS something to do. I’m going to start giving myself permission to lighten up.
Glad to hear a light bulb went on for you too. It really is a simple way to change our thinking and make a big difference in our kids lives. Now if I could only remember to do it more often!
Love this post! I always have the should be’s. I clean, I do laundry, I do this, I do that but what I really want to be doing is playing with my son, crafting, sewing, taking pictures. I really need to follow this rule. Thanks for posting this.
I think it really was such an important lesson to learn. Those moments with our children will be gone before we know it and I don’t want to spend all that precious time washing dishes!
Glad you liked the post. I was so inspired by her words two years ago that they have stuck with me ever since. I haven’t been the best at applying the lesson however and needed the reminder myself as well.
I agree 100%! I do the “should be” thing each and every day, but I think sometimes I need to tell myself to knock it off :)
I’ve been telling myself to “knock it off” too. It takes a lot of practice but I think it will start sinking in soon. I’m hoping I’ll also start to learn to enjoy the moment more too. I’m terrible about that – the “Should Be’s” and guilt get me there every time too.
I volunteer too much. I am fulfilled by it, but I take on waaaay too much. So my “should bes” are usually something volunteer related. I think to myself that I’ll do that first so I can move other people along on their projects, THEN get to my own personal dreams and goals. And, as you so eloquently put it, I’m left feeling upset with myself for not pursuing my passions! So thank you for this great wake up call. I am going to try harder to balance the two.
I can definitely understand putting other people first. It’s tough to remember that you’re just as important even if you are doing something wonderful like volunteering. Good luck trying to achieve the balance. I hope it leaves you happier.
I’m with you- I dont do guilt, regret or worry. But sometimes I do want the house cleaner. And I was thinking that just before I read your blog. So the clean laundry is piling up but I got to share with you!! And that is the best “should” ever!!
Ooh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I’m going to show this post to my wife.
I’m a terrible procrastinator. My life motto is “Why do something today, if you can put it off until tomorrow”. Someone even created a Facebook page for that which is gloriously empty.
It’s not that I’m lazy (well only a little), it’s just that I know what I do and don’t like doing.
My wife on the other hand is much more of a go to person. If something needs doing, she will do it there and then.
Really like this comment too: “Those moments with our children will be gone before we know it and I don’t want to spend all that precious time washing dishes!”
So very, very true.
Martin
Oh my goodness! I live in the Should-Bes. I let it invade my time to write, blog, read, take a bath, not to mention sit down with the kids and just play. I want to leave behind the Should-Bes with you!
Bon Voyage, Should-Bes! Thank you, Tesa. I so needed this post today!
This is the first time I have been by in a while (for the reasons noted above) and I love the pics at the tops. They are definitely not Toddlers anymore! They’re gorgeous.
Take care!
:-)
Traci
I have a huge problem with the “should be’s” and have tried really hard to stop. There are days I’m really good and days it drives me crazy. I have gotten better since kids because I want them to have a life full of fun and not remember mom as a crazy woman who cleans all day, and wants to make sure everything is neat and tidy. Love this post thank you!
Is it possible to get the should be’s out of our heads? I create my own guilt ALL the time. I’m very easily distracted too, which makes me get even more should be’s backed up!
Every time I sit down on the computer I think of the “should be’s”! That’s why my house is a disaster. But hey, the mess can wait, right? I’m great at getting the “should be’s” out of my head. :-D
I think there’s a good amount of balance to maintain. While we want to play, being a mother and taking care of the home is another part of our responsibility. That said, I’m all for napping and not constanting hearing, “Mama, what do I do now?”
I should be living in a bigger place. I should be napping.
I Feel like this quiet alot! Then I think I retired now and I can do,what and whenever what I want to,anytime.I love it1