I won’t even hesistate when I tell you Betsy Brown Braun has written one of the best parenting books I’ve ever read. You’re Not the Boss of Me: Brat-Proofing Your 4- to 12- Year Old offers sage, but simple, advice for raising respectful, honest, and independent children. The book provided many lightbulb moments for me because it clearly identifies a wide range of parenting concerns and offers answers for the age-old question: “Why is my child acting like that?” It also offers memorable tips and scripts about how to react in every day situations such as what to say when “I’m bored,” plays like a broken record or how to instill confidence in a disappointed child.

Betsy writes frankly and honestly. Her voice throughout the book is upbeat and positive even when she touches on the tough topics like what to do when you hear the dreaded, “I hate you,” what to say when your child has cheated on a test, and how to deal with stealing.

Betsy Brown Braun is a reknowned child development and behavioral specialist, popular parent educator, best-selling author, and mother of triplets. She has been a guest expert on The Today Show, The  Early Show, Good Morning, America Now!! and on NPR. She has been cited in USA Today, NY Times, Family Circle, Parents, Parenting, Cookie, and Woman’s Day among other publications.

I spoke recently with Betsy about You’re Not the Boss of Me and we focused specifically on the chapter about self-reliance.

Tired Mom Tésa: My daughter is 4 and is trying desperately to be self-reliant. She’s extremely resourceful as well, but sometimes, being 4, doesn’t make the safest decisions. In a recent situation she stacked two stools on top of one another to reach a barrette. While she was proud of herself, I was concerned she could have fallen. How do I let her know her choice wasn’t a safe one without discouraging her from trying to do things on her own in the future?

Betsy: That’s wonderful that she did that. That shows initiative, mathematical thinking, and risk taking. Risk taking is more important than safety. Now I’m not the Free Range Mom, but I think allowing children to take risks is good.

What you could say is, “Wow, that was great that you did that! Did you feel safe doing it? It sounds like it might have been a little scary when the stools wobbled. I wonder if there’s another way to reach it that would be a little safer?”

You want the last resort to be getting Mommy for help. It’s important to always be encouraging. There’s those times when your child is trying to zip their sweater and you are rushing out the door and just do it for them. Instead you could say, “It’s more important that you attempt this than we get to school right on time.”

Tired Mom Tésa: In the book you say “Children have brakes.” I try to be hands-off at times and let my children try different things. However, most recently at the playground my daughter was trying something she had done many times before, but this time she slipped. The mom next to me said loudly, “I knew you were going to fall.” How should I have handled this situation?

Betsy: We all feel judged by other parents. Everybody feels judged, in fact. When someone is judging you, your priority is to do it your way. When that mom said, “I knew she was going to fall,” you could say, “Yep. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes she falls, but she keeps on trying.”  When you’re approached at the grocery store by the little old lady saying something about your children you can say, “Oh, so you remember what it’s like to have a 3-year-old?”

Tired Mom Tésa: You mention in the book letting kids struggle is essential in their learning how to be self-reliant. Can you expand on that a bit? Sometimes my 3-year-old son gets frustrated and gives up and says with a big frustrated sigh, “I can’t do it.” Should I step in and help or is that part of the struggle?

Betsy: It’s like The Little Engine That Could. You’re job is to be his cheerleader as he is going along. If he’s putting a puzzle together, sit on your hands. Don’t do it for him but say, “You’re working so hard to make that puzzle piece fit. It looks like you’ve almost got it.” If one mom is instructing the child where to put the pieces and another is encouraging him and allowing him to do it himself, when finished the first child will put the pieces back in the box while the second will turn the puzzle over and do it all again.

Tired Mom Tésa: How do parents sabotage self-reliance?

Betsy: In many ways. One way is after a child has completed a job saying, “Oh just let me fix it.”  Teachers will do this where if the children are gluing seeds onto paper and one child only glues on one seed, the teacher will go over and start gluing more seeds where she wants them. Also, when you put a child in a position to not be successful because the task is just too hard, that damages self-reliance as well.

A couple of suggestions to boost self-reliance include dividing snacks into portion-size containers in a basket in the pantry and allowing the child to choose a snack for himself. And nursery schools often have little bitty pitchers to pour milk and they have sponges out so the children can help clean up any spills. This way you can say, “Help yourself” and the child will learn how to do it on their own.

Tired Mom Tésa: You say that playing alone develops self-relaince. My two play together for ages and when I try to jump in every now and then the magic seems to disappear. Should I continue to try and join them here and there or wait until they invite me?

Betsy: Don’t jump in, but sit close by so they know you are there. Then you can say, “Wow, you guys really play well together.” One thing to watch with your two so close in age is that the temptation is to always expect them to play together. Make sure they have time to be apart from one another as well so they can really learn how to play alone. If they don’t know how to play alone, they won’t be self-reliant. Also, another thing to watch out for with siblings close in age is that they don’t learn that others play differently. They expect everyone to play like their sister or brother.

Tired Mom Tésa: Thank you so much for your time. I’ve really enjoyed talking with you and reading your book. Is there anything you would like to say to wrap up the interview?

Betsy: My big message is children aren’t born brats. It happens for a reason, and sometimes our parenting is the cause and sometimes it’s not. More often then not the cure is also us and if we tweak our parenting we can immunize the bratty behavior

Thank you to Betsy for taking the time to speak to me for this interview and for the book for review. No compensation was received.