Growing up, much to my mother’s broken heart, I continually insisted I would not have children.
I wasn’t around kids very much as a child, babysitting jobs were few and far between, and children just made me nervous.
It wasn’t long after Dave and I were married that both my sister and sister-in-law had their first babies. After meeting those adorable darling sweet-smelling newborns, I was in love and my mind changed immediately. It was like a switch was turned on.
Dave and I were very lucky and we actually got pregnant our very first month of trying. Unfortunately, only 12 short weeks later we were devastated when I lost the baby to miscarriage. It was darkest time of my life. Having another baby became an obsession. It was all I could think about. I was terrified that it would happen again, but the urge to have another baby was overwhelming.
It took 6 months, which isn’t long to the rest of the world, but was an eternity to me, and thankfully we were again expecting.
I thought I would be filled with joy and excitement. Instead the entire pregnancy was filled with terror and dread. I was scared to death every doctor’s appointment. Once we made it past 12 weeks I was sure we were in the clear.
Then at our appointment to find out the baby’s gender, we were told we were having a girl but she had cysts on her brain.
We were sent to a specialist who informed us the cysts could dissolve on their own or they could be a marker for a condition that would cause us to lose the pregnancy. Or, if we did make it through, it would be a miracle if the baby lived past 6 months.
It was a horribly stressful time and we wouldn’t know fully how the baby was until after she was born. So when Kora arrived healthy as could be, we finally breathed a sigh of relief.
In only a matter of days the urge to have another baby was back. It was all-consuming. Dave and I talked about it and even after everything we went through we knew we wanted more than one child so Kora could grow up with a brother or sister. We decided to try again right away.
Just 6 months later we were looking at another positive pregnancy test.
We were excited to be expecting again, but it was once again overshadowed by the fear of the first miscarriage and what we went through with Kora’s pregnancy.
We could barely believe it when this pregnancy coasted along pretty well. Aside from being exhausted from raising a baby while being pregnant, everything was going smoothly. We found out we were having a boy and that ultrasound showed no cysts.
Then the 6 month mark hit and my body decided it was done being pregnant. I struggled with constant erratic pre-term contractions for three months. The doctor couldn’t find a reason for them and put me on large doses of antibiotics to fight off any undetected viruses that might be causing it.
Even though I had been on all of those antibiotics, just prior to labor I found out I was strep B positive. So they put me on more antibiotics.
Logan was born 2 weeks early and he was healthy. We were thrilled!
Then the day I got home I picked up Kora and felt a sharp twinge in my right side. I blew it off as pregnancy related, little did I know how that twinge would signify the nightmare ahead.
Over the next 4 awful months…
- I had to have a D&C because they thought Logan didn’t bring everything out with him when he was born and that could be a cause for the pain in my side.
- I had numerous x-rays, cat scans, colonoscopies, and trips to the ER, but the pain continued.
- I was diagnosed with C-Diff which is a superbug you pick up when you take too many antibiotics and it kills off all the good bacteria in your digestive system, they thought it was the cause of my high fever and pain. I was in the hospital for a week. But the pain was still there.
At the 4 month mark, I was barely hanging on. Thankfully a wonderful team of surgeons agreed to remove my appendix. We had been telling everyone from the start that’s what it was, because chronic appendicitis runs in my family but no one would listen. The surgeons told us that because chronic appendicitis can’t be found in a textbook, most doctors don’t believe it exists.
Thanks to the surgeons who listened, within days of surgery the fever broke and the pain finally dissipated.
It took me nearly a year to recover and get my strength back.
If you can believe it after all that, I desperately wanted a third baby. I still felt a hole in my heart. I knew I couldn’t put myself or my family through that. But it was there, the urge to have another, and it wouldn’t go away. I felt so torn.
And then one day it hit me. I didn’t necessarily want another baby. I wanted “that” baby. The one we lost in the miscarriage.
I know that many other mothers out there have had multiple miscarriages and I don’t know how they do it. To put one foot in front of the other every day never knowing the babies they lost is remarkable to me. This one loss affected me so greatly that I don’t know if I could keep trying but I fully understand why they do.
Once I realized that I was just hoping to fill a deep void and that my body made a decision somewhere along the way that pregnancy just doesn’t suit me, the feeling of having a third slowly started to fade.
In fact, I remember one day in particular where I was standing in the kitchen and Kora and Logan were both under 2. They were screeching and screaming about two different things, I was exhausted, and at my wits end. And suddenly, that switch just clicked off.
The urge to have another baby is now completely gone and honestly, the idea of getting pregnant again terrifies me! After everything we went through, I know our family is complete.
Kora and Logan are a blessing and such amazing kids, I’m grateful for them every day. We are a happy family of four with a little angel watching over us.
I’m curious to know: How and when do you decide your family is complete? Join the conversation and be entered to WIN the designer handbag of your choice (Up to a $500 value) from Essure!
This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Essure. The opinions and text are all mine. Official Contest Rules.
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